E113 - Asking Empowering Questions featuring Carol Boston

Welcome to Episode 113!!

Have you ever noticed how a single well-crafted question can completely transform a conversation? In this eye-opening episode, business development and leadership coach Carol Boston reveals the transformative power of empowering questions and how they can revolutionize your leadership approach.

For emerging leaders, mastering empowering questions creates psychological safety, fosters innovation, and helps team members feel genuinely heard and valued. Questions like "How would the leader I want to become handle this situation?" or "What one thing could I say differently so this person feels heard?" can transform your leadership effectiveness overnight.

Carol shares her journey from tennis pro to sales expert to leadership coach, highlighting pivotal moments where trusting someone else's vision for her became life-changing. Along the way, she discovered the remarkable impact that empowering questions can have on breaking through limitations and opening doors to possibilities we can't see when trapped in our own perspective.

Carol’s Episode Links:

1. https://www.facebook.com/carol.boston.37

2. https://www.linkedin.com/in/thecarolboston/

3. https://www.instagram.com/thecarolboston/

4. www.carolboston.com

Carol’s Recommended Book/Movie/Podcast List:

Books:

1. The Last Arrow by Raphael McManus

2. Wooden on Leadership by John Wooden

3. Napoleon Hills Master Course

Movies:

1. Rudy

2. Hope Floats

3. The Blind Side

4. The Grinch

Podcast:

1.The Kelly Roach Show

Chapters

• 0:00 Episode Introduction and Land Acknowledgment
• 1:30 Meeting Carol Boston and Her Leadership Journey
• 4:30 Carol's Career Evolution and Life Lessons
• 10:55 Understanding Empowering Questions and Their Power
• 21:15 Real Examples of Empowering Questions in Action
• 29:15 How Questions Shape Communication and Perception
• 37:50 Practical Questions for Emerging Leaders
• 48:30 Building Not Destroying Through Questions
• 50:50 Episode Conclusion and Contact Information

Transcript

Simon Kardynal: 0:07

I would like to begin this episode by acknowledging that I am located in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and I am privileged and honoured to live and learn on the unceded, unsurrendered territory of the Anishinaabeg Algonquin Nation.

Glen: 0:24

Hello, you're listening to Trench Leadership: A Podcast From the Front, produced by iglen studios, a show for emerging leaders from all professions, to hear from other leaders who have led from the front, made the mistakes, had the triumphs and are still learning along the way. And now here's your hosts, Simon Kardynal.

Simon Kardynal: 0:53

Hello and welcome to another episode of Trench Leadership: A Podcast From the Front. You know what? Asking questions is easy, it really is. But asking the right questions is easy it really is. But asking the right questions is empowering, and the challenge for emerging leaders is knowing when, how and what to ask. But this is often a skill that has to be learned by asking many, many, many terrible questions long before we get to the point where we learn how to ask the right ones. And in this episode we're going to hear from Carol Boston, a business development and leadership coach, who will offer her insight into empowering questions. Carol will share her definition of empowering questions, along with providing some example questions, and, in the end of it, what we're really hoping is we're going to take away some of those many's for the leaders out there listening to this podcast, so that they can ask their empowering questions a lot sooner in their leadership journey.

Simon Kardynal: 1:51

Before we get into that, though, I would like to do the visual representation and paint the picture for everyone. For myself, I still have my black golf shirt on, with the Red Trench Leadership logo over my heart. My glasses are still rimmed with black. I still have far too much gray hair on the top of my head and my background is a screenshot of the stone wall with the trench leadership logo in white and highlighted in this beautiful purple, which is ironic because the actual trench leadership logo is red. But that's a whole other story for carol. She is wearing what looks to be like a blue shirt. She has shorter hair and I think is it kind of a grayish color. It looks like.

Carol Boston: 2:31

It's hard to tell sometimes the pixelation it's uh it before it grows out, and when she bleaches it, it is platinum white, but the dark is. The dark is starting to come through, so it looks a little silver.

Simon Kardynal: 2:41

Yes okay, there we go. Perfect. The walls appear to be blue and green and there are some beautiful vase with some flowers in it, and you can see some furniture in the background. Before we get right into this, I'm going to try and be quiet, like I often fail at doing, and go ahead and introduce Carol. Hey Carol, how's it going out there?

Carol Boston: 3:01

It's great, sunny South Florida.

Simon Kardynal: 3:04

It's always sunny in Florida, isn't it? Pretty much, that's fantastic. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to come and talk with us and have what will very likely be a strong and powerful opportunity to chat about empowering questions Before we get into that, though. Do you mind taking a moment and just telling us a little bit about yourself, your story and, ultimately, how we got to this point?

Carol Boston: 3:28

Absolutely. You know they call me a business leadership coach and only when I really started to look back. I've been involved in leadership, Simon, from a very early age. In sixth grade I was now think about this. This is the deep south in 1971. I was the first girl to play little league hardball with the boys. Now I come from the deep South and there are rules, both written and unwritten, as to how little girls are supposed to behave, and my mother was not happy with me, but at least my dad was my cheerleader.

Carol Boston: 3:59

I was always involved in sports very competitive household and I started playing tennis at the age of 15. I started very late and I wish I had time to tell you that whole story, because it was one of the one of three very pivotal times in my life where I trusted in someone else's vision for me until I could believe it for myself. Even my dad didn't believe that I was going to get a tennis scholarship. I was offered several scholarships, but the one that I chose took me to LSU. I am an LSU fighting tiger through and through and I took out a student loan because my dad was not going to help me go to school. And off I went Fast forward. I graduated, I played on the pro tour for a while, I got married, was going through a divorce and I knew I didn't want to be a tennis teaching professional my entire life. I really didn't know what I wanted to do. My car caught on fire and the insurance wouldn't pay for it.

Carol Boston: 4:51

There's some loophole, so what do you think I? did? I called my dad. My dad had been in the insurance business 35 years Now he's from the deep south. He says now, "arol, you know I ain't in that kind of insurance, but if you come home I got somebody help you get a car, even if you don't have a job. I thought, oh my gosh, I'm going to have my first new car. I was 20, I don't know, 26, 27. And I went home and got a new car and I went over to Dallas, texas, and I lived with my second cousin.

Carol Boston: 5:19

She was head of personnel for Neiman Marcus. Now this is in. 1987 was when the government the US government had just broken up the monopoly of AT&T and all the baby bells. So competition was fierce in a long distance market. And she taught me how to wear the pearls and the Navy suit and the pantyhose. I don't do that anymore, but that's what I did back then. And I got hired by a company called Metro Media Communications and the ladies said can you come back in tomorrow and meet my boss, the vice president? So I said sure. So I went back in and she interviews me and Simon, she kind of sat back in her chair and she looked me up and down in Miami in a week and I said no, you won't.

Carol Boston: 6:05

Now, mind you, I needed a job, right? I said I'm interviewing in Dallas. You have an office in Dallas, my friends from the tennis tour are in Dallas and my family's three and a half hours away. I'm working in Dallas Pretty ballsy huh. And she calmly looked at me again and she said I need somebody really strong in Miami in a week. I said how do you know I'm strong? I'd never done this before. And here's what she said, and this was the second time I trusted in someone else's vision. She said trust me and be there in a week. So I packed up my car and off. I came to Florida, didn't know anything about my job, didn't know anything about Florida, I didn't know a soul, and that led me to a very successful 26-year career as a sales expert for Fortune 100 companies. So if you've got someone out there in your corner, you're listening to this and they have a vision for you and you're a little nervous, hang on to their vision until you can believe it for yourself. It's important. It's important.

Carol Boston: 7:14

So back in 2014, 2013, I'd been through a bad car wreck. 2014, I'm still working at Paychex in corporate America and I get a call and they told me they were cutting my territory by 80 percent. I'm like 80 percent. I've been building this territory for six and a half years now. I really didn't want to leave. I loved my boss, but my partner at the time kept whispering in my ear that they were taking advantage of me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I took an interview with a really small up and coming company and after two interviews they gave me the job. They doubled my base salary Plus. They gave me a director title. I could just see the potential Right, the potential right. So there I was, six weeks into the job, on vacation, negotiated that up front in my contract and I did what I thought a good employee was supposed to do.

Carol Boston: 7:50

Now I don't advocate this for my clients anymore, but what I was doing was staying in touch with my boss, the CEO, while I was on vacation, and I got an email asking my opinion on something. So I replied right back and he usually replies right back, but he didn't. So we went out and we enjoyed the day, came in in the evening, ding, there goes my phone. Carol Boston, you've got mail. And here's what it said Simon. It said Carol, comma, that's what you really think. And it had five question marks behind it. Then it said do not come into this office on Monday when your vacation is over. You are done here.

Carol Boston: 8:26

And I looked at my partner and I said did I just get fired? I don't get fired, but I did. And I came back and I'll tell you. One of the things that I help especially my female clients with is I help them learn to advocate for themselves, because I didn't do it back then. Florida is considered an at-will state so I figured I could get fired for any reason. I didn't, whatever.

Carol Boston: 8:52

And I came back and I went on an interview the very next day and I interviewed all over this country. Some companies flew me cross country three and four times, took crickets. I looked for a job so long I used my entire 401k savings. Now I tell people that my next book is going to be called. You Can't Read the Label when You're Inside a Jar and we're all in a jar. And there I was, in my jar. All I could see is I was a buttoned up corporate sales professional and I thought how ironic that I could sell $70 million in revenue for somebody else and I couldn't close a deal to get a job.

Carol Boston: 9:27

Now, faith is my foundation. That's where I always go, and in my prayer time I'll be honest I was basically yelling at God and I'm like, look, you created me. You know, I'm not cut out to be an entrepreneur. I do not want to own my own business. You've got to help me find a good job. Guess what happened? Two weeks to the day from that prayer, out of the blue, I get an email from a woman that I met one time out of town at a conference. She and I probably didn't even talk 30 minutes at that conference. She gifted me a $3,500 ticket to go to Los Angeles to go to what's called Gorilla Business School, which is a foundational school for entrepreneurs. So you see, my God has a sense of humor. So I figured what I'm doing isn't working and I don't know what I don't know, and off I went and that's where I really got the title of my first book and that's where I was first introduced to Empowering Questions.

Carol Boston: 10:19

This is in 2015, in May, and I was amazed at them. I've always loved communication. I determined that I was going to master them and I've been working to master them for the last eight years. I was interviewed on the show a few weeks ago and they go well. How do you do that so quickly? I'm like I've been working on it for eight years, right, because it's a different way of thinking. It's going to change the way that you think, and that was in 2015. Fast forward to 2017. And I was still holding on to three. I had two coaching certifications, I had coached people and I was still holding on to three services.

Carol Boston: 10:59

I was trying to do what sell into freaking corporate America, like I couldn't get out of my own way. And then I heard Lisa Nichols say this I couldn't get out of my own way. And then I heard Lisa Nichols say this I don't know if you know who Lisa Nichols is. She is amazing. She's the only black female CEO on wall street, the only one and the only one with the coaching and speaking company. And I heard her say this. She said I hear you say that you're committed. And she said look, people decommit all the time, don't they? They'll say I'm committed to this marriage for life until the day they're not. She said but when you're convicted, you will not rest until you get it done and you understand that your comfort and your convenience and your conviction don't live on the same block. They're not even in the same zip code and I laid down all my services and I went all in January of 2018 coaching, and here I am, five years later, talking to you.

Simon Kardynal: 11:59

Well, thank you very much for letting me and letting the guests know about that side of yourself and providing that information that's. That's very helpful for understanding how we were able to get to the point of knowing where your knowledge from these empowering questions is coming from. So I mean, I, I am curious. I, when I was getting ready for this episode, I was looking up the different definitions of what an empowering question is and what it means to have, even create one. Like we need to understand what an empowering question is before we can create them. So what are the one I came across was is that an empowering question is a thought-provoking, open-ended, challenging question that allows a person to look for answers. Uh, it also goes on to talk about and new opportunities, but that's not what I'm really concerned for in this particular episode, because in the context of emerging leaders, it's about looking for answers in an open-ended perspective. Do you have any thoughts on that? And I'm curious as well what your definition of an empowering question might be.

Carol Boston: 12:57

I have a ton of thoughts on that. You're probably going to have to tell me to quit talking.

Simon Kardynal: 13:02

No way, no, you're the guest.

Carol Boston: 13:05

Empowering questions absolutely open the door to limitless possibilities. Yes, they are open-ended. There are several caveats with them. I will tell you that they cause you to ponder, they cause you to think and they open your awareness. They create what I call Oprah aha moments Two things that they do that are very key, that you don't hear anybody talk about. I teach on this. They help you take the judgment out of the conversation and they take the emotion out of the conversation. I mean, how many of you know that if you could take the emotion out of your conversation, you'd have fewer arguments? Right In Stephen Covey's book the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People when he says seek first to understand and then be understood.

Carol Boston: 13:58

These questions are just a little bit different, because that then be understood part is not about you trying to get somebody else to understand you. It's about you understanding. You Now think about what I told you in my book right, can't read the label when you're inside a jar. The answers that you're trying to call in and bring into your awareness are right outside your jar. So I'm going to disagree with that last definition where it said so you can figure it out. Your job is not to figure it out. If it was inside your jar, you would already have the answer. So, empowering questions here's some of the caveats. They are specific and I'm going to give you examples. When you get through listening to this episode, you'll be able to walk away if you choose to, and craft empowering questions. I'm not saying it's going to be easy in your everyday conversation. It's going to take work. They're simple, but they're not easy Because it changes your way of thinking.

Simon Kardynal: 14:50

I think that's the trick with empowering questions. A lot of times, is it? it's understanding that it's not going to be a normal type of question like a regular type. Normal is not the right word to use. I don't feel like a regular style of question yet it crafting it, toting it requires a little bit of thought.

Carol Boston: 15:04

Absolutely so. They're specific, they're time bound. You are not to sit around and try to figure out the answer and you are not to be attached to the outcome Anytime. You're attached to the outcome, you've just closed the door to opportunities. When you put an empowering question out to God in the universe, what you're really saying is I'm willing to hear, see, say or do something I've never thought of before. Come on, you've been in conversations, haven't you, simon? Or maybe it's happened to you, and all of a sudden you went oh my God, I never thought about that before. Right, something new came into your awareness. You were ready for it. This gives you an opportunity to call them in even faster and quicker. You can use them. Here's another key thing they do is they help you get other people on the same page as you, faster and easier, with less resistance. Who wouldn't like that right Now?

Carol Boston: 16:01

One of the things I teach on when I teach to sales teams, I teach to HR teams in corporate America, I use them with myself, my clients is they help you quickly learn the dominant modality of your prospect. What in the world does that mean, carol, most of us are either visual, we're auditory or we're kinesthetic. Right, kinesthetic are your touchy, feely people. Now, there's 10% of our population. That's what's called audio digital. That means these people are our geeks, they're the nerds, they are all about the process. They want the steps. They're going to write them down. So if you're trying to sell your services or your product to that 10% of the population and you keep talking about how does that look, what does that sound like, you've lost them because they don't care. They want to know the steps that I'm going to take to get from A to B. When you can speak into that dominant modality faster and easier and quicker in your conversation, you will much more quickly get a lot of little yeses. You're going to get their head nodding little yeses until you get to the close, if you will, of your sale.

Carol Boston: 17:10

If you asked me enough questions you were trying to sell me something, you would understand that I'm like almost off the charts auditory. So if you had this great product and you're trying to sell it to me and you got to the end, you said well, carol, how does that look to you? You might not get much of an answer, but if you said, how does that sound? I'm like that sounds awesome. It's critical that you understand, and I've had people that I've trained and they said well, what if I can't figure it out? In the conversation I said you ask them they go what I said. I've done that before. I said you ask them they go what I said, I've done that before. Some people aren't very forthcoming, they're not easy to read. I just tell them hey, you just changed the tone of your voice. Go ahead, I'm curious, what is your favorite way to learn something? And they'll tell you, and then you can begin to craft your empowering questions directly from that. I'm going to teach you a little bit about how to craft them.

Simon Kardynal: 18:06

That would be great. Let's do it, I love it An empowering question.

Carol Boston: 18:09

Never, ever, ever starts with the word why. Why brings in defensiveness, which brings in the ego, which brings in emotions, and when emotions go up, intelligence goes down. It's true for every human being. Now, most often when I tell people this, they go oh yeah, carol, man, I hate it. When I get really angry, I always say something I wish I hadn't said, and that's because we tend to label anger as negative. Here's a writer downer for your audience. Nothing in this whole world has any meaning, nothing except that which you choose to give it. What about the lady who goes to Las Vegas to have a fun weekend? She wakes up the next morning with a ring on her finger and some dude in her bed. She's like, oh my God, she was having a great time, but what? Her emotions were out of control. Her intelligence went down. Before I tell you exactly how to craft them, I'm going to give you a little story around the word why I've had parents ask me to put together a course to teach parents. One of my past clients said Carol, I keep telling my husband, stop asking the kids why, right, you're never going to get the answer that you truly want by asking why. These parents also say to me but Carol, my kids ask me why all the time. Of course they do. They don't know how to articulate the question to get the answer they really want. They're not getting the answer that they want.

Carol Boston: 19:34

So I was in seventh grade and I came home with my report card and I had five A's and a B. I was so excited I couldn't wait for my dad to get home. I gave my dad my report card. I told you he's from the deep south, right. He looks down his nose at me. He says now, girl, why'd you get a B? What do you think I did? I got defensive. But dad, I got five A's. See, now I'm trying to defend my position. It's an automatic response. He said that's not what I asked you. Why'd you get a B? Then I used my older brother as my defense. I said but David got two C's and a D. Now my dad looked at me and he said we expect a lot more out of you, young lady.

Carol Boston: 20:21

Now, how I heard that as a child is that I had to be perfect to earn love. It impacted every area of my life for decades until I learned how to reframe it. These questions are why I'm called the queen of reframe. You can bring me any challenge. I can quickly reframe it for you and give you some empowering questions around it and some effective action steps you can take to get the results that you really want.

Carol Boston: 20:48

Now I want you to hear me when I tell you it impacted every area. I overgave in relationships, didn't have boundaries. I was trying to earn love, overgave at work, became a workaholic, almost destroyed my health trying to earn love. It impacted every area of my life. But what if my dad had asked me an empowering question? I probably wouldn't be talking to you today, but if he had said this and parents, I want you to listen up If he had said Carol, what one thing remember folks, they're specific what one thing could you do differently next semester? They're time bound to improve upon that grade. Now my mind is spinning. It's going to open the door to possibility and when I come up with an answer, I am far more likely to actually go do it, because you have empowered me to come up with a response.

Carol Boston: 21:42

I don't feel punished. I don't feel you know it's not punitive anymore. How many of you parents? Your kid comes in and breaks curfew? What do you do? Why are you late and you end up in an argument? Right, that's number one. It never starts with one. That's going to be a challenge for everybody out there to really. I tell you, put it up on your sticky note, put it everywhere to catch yourself. It's going to take quite a bit of time to change that.

Carol Boston: 22:08

They start with who, what, how and sometimes where. They are used both to ask questions of the other person or an outside situation, and they're to ask questions of yourself. Here's one that, as an entrepreneur or business owner, you could ask yourself this on a regular basis. If we all did this consistently, simon, this world would be a different place. Everybody would change. You could ask yourself this question how would the person I want to become do the thing I'm about to do right now? Can you imagine if we started checking our behavior with that question on a regular basis? We would make different decisions. Who am I being today behind closed doors when nobody else is watching?

Carol Boston: 23:04

You can use them when you're prepared to go. Let's say you're going to own your business, you're going into a sales call and you can prepare these, and I have tons of stories. If you want another story, I'm happy, but I know we're time bound. You use them many days in advance to prepare Because, remember, the answer is outside your jar. It could take time to bring it into your awareness. So when you get ready to say these out loud, you get quiet. You set the intent because they can be used in many different areas of your life, many different areas of your life. So if you just throw it out there, are you talking about your relationship? Are you talking about your health? Are you talking about your job? Are you talking about your business? You must set the intention and then you say the question out loud and you go right back to what you're doing, and I have a powerful story around that. You go right back to what you're doing.

Simon Kardynal: 23:55

I'd love to hear that story.

Carol Boston: 23:56

Okay, I was back in 2018. I had an office and a gentleman comes into my office one day and he had invested in this other young man's company about 80 grand. He'd invested in his company and this young kid was a genius he created the only men's pomade per hair. That was totally organic. This guy comes in my office. He says you've got to take this kid through your leadership program or we're going to kick him off the board of his own company. So I said, well, I'm happy to take him through my initial process, but he gets to decide whether he's going to. You know, it's a six month program and there's an investment. So young kid comes in and I take him through the process and I tell him what the investment is and he goes oh, I don't think I can afford that. And I said is that the question? And he said, well, yeah, I said, perhaps the question is can you afford not to? They're going to kick you off the board of your own company. He didn't sign up. So I gave him and I'm going to give you and your audience one of the most powerful of all empowering questions. It will open the door to limitless possibilities.

Carol Boston: 25:08

Remember set the intention first. What else is possible today? I gave that to him. Now there was a cafe up at the front of this office building and my office was at the other end of the hallway. So when I had new prospects or clients come in, I would go to the front and bring them back. And I would see this young man. His name was Diego. I would see him occasionally, I'd give him a big hug and I'd go Diego, what else is possible? I don't have a credit card. I want you to think about where his mind. I didn't ask him if he had a credit card. What else is possible today? I'd see him again. So what else is possible today? I can't ask my parents for money.

Carol Boston: 25:44

Time goes by. This man from the board comes in. A few months have gone by and he goes. Carol, will you talk to him one more time? And I said no, my time is valuable, I've given him enough of my time. But I'm a sucker to help a friend. So I said okay.

Carol Boston: 25:56

So I'll never forget is on a Monday night. I get this young kid on the phone, we have a conversation. I hung up. Drive home.

Carol Boston: 26:05

Three nights later I'm sitting at home in my easy chair after work and my phone and my email start blowing up texting emails from this kid. You tell whoever's trying to be CEO of my company they can't have it. He was just ticked off. I want to see you next week. I want an appointment.

Carol Boston: 26:24

I thought, oh my gosh, what question did I ask that opened this door? So he comes in my office the next week? And I said before we start, I get to know how you're going to pay me. And Simon, he reaches down, he pats his pocket, he says cash, can I give you cash twice a month? And I said, yeah, I love cash. That works great.

Carol Boston: 26:42

Tell me what happened in that conversation. What question did I ask you that opened this door for this massive change? Here's what he said to me. He said you know, carol, every time I saw you, you'd give me a hug go what? What else is possible? And every time you walked away, I'd go. That woman is so woo, woo, you should drive me crazy.

Carol Boston: 27:02

He said, but that night on the phone, you told me a story and it tied it in. So I finally decided I would try it. So I did what you told me to. Before I went to bed, I set my intention. I said what else is possible today, went to bed, got the next morning, said it before work, said it on my way to basketball practice.

Carol Boston: 27:18

He said and after three and a half days and folks, you've got to listen to his answer he said after three and a half days, all of a sudden, think of all of a sudden, there's your Oprah aha moment. All of a sudden, it came to me that all I had to do was find two more Think about this, not just two two more people who wanted to learn how to speak and read and write Spanish. Folks, he was already teaching people outside of his regular job. They were paying him all these. What did it cost him?

Carol Boston: 27:50

All these months went by because he stuck in his jar and he said so I did. Went and found two more people, took him three days, went and found two more people. Took him three days, went and found two more people. The power of these questions is incredible. He was so excited. He stood up and I gave him a high five and I was grinning too. But I'm going to tell you what I was thinking. Right, I was thinking TSW, tsw, this shit works, it does. I had a client send me a t-shirt last year for Christmas. It says hashtag TSW on it. She goes we're going to get people asking what that means. Another I'd like to give you, just from a different perspective, another quick client story.

Simon Kardynal: 28:37

Would that work for you? Storytelling has proven to be one of the most powerful and impactful ways to relay information, so please hit us.

Glen: 28:45

Oh, hello there. It's Glen, the voiceover artist, and if you're hearing me, that means we're at the midpoint of this episode. Do you have an idea for an episode that you feel is vital for emerging leaders? Leave the idea in the comment section and, if your topic is chosen, you will have the opportunity to join us as a co-host during the recording session. So drop us a note and let's talk. This podcast is made possible by listeners like you, and if you feel we've earned it, please tell your friends and leave a review to help us grow our following. And now back to the show.

Carol Boston: 29:27

So that same year I had another client and actually she was my very first client in 2018. And the first time she came to see me she's on time. Second time she's a little late. Then she got later and then it was ridiculous. Now I was known in corporate America as the shake your hand, give you a hug girl, right? So I give her a big hug and I sit her down. I said get out your pen and paper. We're not missing this coaching opportunity. Now, we don't typically jump in like that, but this was just a prime coaching opportunity.

Carol Boston: 29:59

So the first thing I had to write down and if you're listening to this show, write it down. How I do anything is how I do everything. She said what I said. Write it down. How I do anything is how I do everything I said. And next I want you to write down where else in your life are you not showing up for you? Else in your life are you not showing up for you? Now she's really confused and she says what I said. Write it down. Where else in your life are you not showing up for you? You pay me in advance for my time. I am not giving you any money back and I'm not giving you extra time because I have a schedule that I keep. So she kind of sheepishly looks at me and says is that my homework for the week? I said, honey, that's your homework ad nauseum. I want it on your refrigerator, on your dashboard, on your shower, everywhere. I want you to put this out, set the intention, six to eight times a day. Will you do it? She said yes.

Carol Boston: 30:51

And Simon, a few weeks goes by. We're sitting in the office working. All of a sudden her eyes fly wide open. I said what's up? She goes oh, that's another place where I'm not showing up for me.

Carol Boston: 31:03

And as she began to have these awarenesses, we began to replace the habits that no longer served her with good leadership habits and skill sets Changed her life. We doubled her income in six months in her business. Not just because of that, but that whole piece is so powerful. How many of you would have said to her why are you always late? There would have been no growth, there would have been no learning, there would have been no breakthroughs. There are so many coaches that ask why. It boggles my mind.

Carol Boston: 31:37

I spoke in front of 1100 coaches summer before last. None of them truly understood this. None of them I spoke. I don't know if you're familiar. It's an American company. It's called Rider Trucking and Logistics. They're about a $9 billion company. I did a keynote there back in January and I taught on leadership be do, have empowering questions. They worked a lot on communication and how you tie in the art of celebration from an NLP perspective to get results even faster.

Carol Boston: 32:10

And after all was said and done, this young man comes up to me and he says but Simon Sinek, his book, right, the book on why, simon Sinek? And I said they're not the same thing. I said, simon Sinek, when he says, what's your why? That's what's driving you, that's your underlying, foundational reason for what you're doing, everything else that I'm giving you context for you're challenging somebody to get an answer. They're very, very different. He goes oh my gosh, that makes so much sense. So you could ask yourself what is my why to grow my business? What is my why to get married? What is my driver? But when you're in conversation and communication, that's a powerful, powerful story. Folks, 99% of the population, would have said why are you late? Powerful?

Simon Kardynal: 33:07

Well, there's something to be said for the type of question and how it's in the emotions and the negative, negativity or positivity that's inferred with the question negativity or positivity that's inferred with the question. I know in the military with my 26 years in the regular force, a lot of the times questions were just meant to be directive in their nature and quite often they had a negative tone to them, like you said. Well, why are you like that and talk about that? And my experiences when I started in the civilian organizations? I had to really adjust how I was asking questions, because when I first started talking to people outside of my little military bubble, I would ask questions. I don't understand what you mean by that and that's how I would say the question. I didn't mean it in a negative way. It was just how I had been the the environment I had been exposed to for my entire career. And now, all of a sudden I'm in a world where I don't want to say soften the question, but certainly be more aware of the tone of the question and where it's coming from, because it's a different environment and I think there's something in that we need to be very aware of the environment we're in and when we prepare to ask these questions.

Simon Kardynal: 34:12

Some of the the first empowering questions that I came across from a, from a very formal perspective of looking at an important and empowering question, are the how might we questions? They're open-ended in their nature how might we achieve success in this particular domain or whatever it it? The question is framed in such a way to allow people to feel as though their answers are required because their thoughts and feelings matter. And that's the great thing about empowering questions, from my perspective, is they. They tend to create a sense of positivity around them. Does you have any thoughts on that? Does that make sense?

Carol Boston: 34:50

Absolutely. You know, most people have probably heard the the with them, right? What's in it for me In today's world? The person sitting on the other side of you is thinking mmfi, mmfi, make me feel important when you're framing empowering questions. The other person feels heard.

Carol Boston: 35:10

I was teaching this to the hr department at american express back in 2019 and I divided them up and I gave them an exercise to do so they could embed the learning. And the VP who hired me was over at this one side, and so I go over there. And the woman who was playing the role of the salesperson was so frustrated and I listened. And I listened and I said would you be open for some help? There's some secret sauce for you. We could talk about that phrase. That'll open a lot of doors. And she said yes.

Carol Boston: 35:44

So I asked this young man. I said how would you feel if, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? He sat right up in his chair and he goes? I would feel awesome. I would love that.

Carol Boston: 35:55

This woman almost throws down her papers because she hadn't been getting any response from him. And she said how did you do that? I said because he's told you many times in his answers that he's kinesthetic. So I asked him how he would feel if he got that result. She goes oh my God, you mean this is going to make me a better listener too? Oh my God, you mean, this is going to make me a better listener too.

Carol Boston: 36:20

And I said, yes, listening is absolutely critical and crucial, because these questions allow you to begin to see from another person's map of the world. You begin to see things from where they're coming from. We all see things through our own lens and I tell people we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. What do you mean by that, carol? Well, if you put five people on a street corner and there's a car crash right in front of them, someone like me who was injured in a bad car wreck, is going to be oh my God, that's a bad car wreck. Dude next to me, who's never had a car wreck, wasn't that big a deal. Completely different lens, same car wreck. It's why people who give testimonies that you know when they take, they give you a different story. They saw the same thing they saw, but they saw it as they were Super, super powerful, but they saw it as they were Super, super powerful.

Simon Kardynal: 37:31

Well, and that's a great point you bring up in that the way the questions are heard and they I put inflection are going to completely change the way I interpret a sentence or a question, versus how someone who sent it or another person reads it. We could all come out of that exact same sentence or question with a very different emotional response to it. Uh, I've certainly. Again, if I come back to my time in the military and the transition, there were quite a few instances, quite a few three to five where I would have to have conversations with people and be like, no, no, I don't mean this in a, in a, in an angry tone. Just for me, email is a tool to convey required information. It's not a conversation tool, it's a, it's an information conveyance apparatus and that's because that's the way the military tries to treat it. So now I'm using it as a conversation tool and then in the, in the, when we talk about things like covid and how we're all most of us are working through zoom, like we are now, that completely changes things. It's even changed how I start the opening of my, my podcast, and I talk about housekeeping notes and I am always make a point to tell the listener or, sorry, the guest.

Simon Kardynal: 38:36

Hey, just so you know, I'm going to be looking off to the right a whole bunch of the time because I'm I'm writing notes down. I'm not ignoring you, because we don't know what we're thinking and in the end, finally, my long winded Simon point to this is we don't know what the other person is thinking often unless we ask the questions. Ironically, we're talking about empowering questions. So in that type of a thing it sounds great to just ask a person, but quite often it can be challenging because we're expecting, more often than not, an aggressive or angry type of response. So, in the spirit of emotional, or sorry, in the spirit of empowering questions, can we please have some empowering questions to help us, help new leaders ask those types of questions to get them through those potentially awkward moments?

Carol Boston: 39:24

Let me make sure I'm clear, you want me to give you some questions that the leader can ask of themselves and their behaviour, or their, they elicited a negative response well, maybe some both right.

Simon Kardynal: 39:34

I think there's something to understand. Remind ourselves for myself what I'm not sure about. When I'm making an assumption about something, I actually physically sit down and tell myself I don't have the whole story, I only have my half of the story. So the question I ask myself is how can I get all of the information? And that sparks the investigation in my mind, and then I go forward and enter my questions out there.

Carol Boston: 39:57

So does that make a little more sense? It's very critical. Totally what you did is very critical. An empowered question allows you to come from a place of curiosity and not judgment. It's powerful. It allows you to get curious. That's how it helps take the emotion out of the conversation. If you're getting frustrated in a conversation, take a couple of deep breaths, right? Well, what one way could I ask this question in a different manner to get the answer that I'm truly looking for? How can I frame this question so the other person feels seen and heard and not challenged, so that I get the answer I'm looking for? You're putting the so that in there, so that you're also looking for the result. Does that make sense? Another thing I teach and work on is oftentimes people will go. You ask them a question, they go. I don't know. You ask them again oh, I don't know.

Simon Kardynal: 40:54

You get the shoulder struggle. I don't know.

Carol Boston: 40:57

I don't know is a defense mechanism. Often, often often, it's rooted in insecurity. They don't want to be wrong, they don't want to be laughed at, they don't think they have the perfect answer, they don't think they have the right answer. All this judgment is coming up. I had a prospective client sitting across me in my office a few years ago and I asked her a question, probably five or six times. Every time it was I don't know, I don't know. So here's what I did. And, folks, this takes practice. To do this you must change the tone of your voice, you've got to change the state of your body. So I just kind of went like this and I go, I get it. You don't know. But hey, I'm. If you did know, what would you say? That woman started giving me stuff so fast I couldn't write it down because now it's a game, the pressure's off. If you did know, it could be a game changer.

Carol Boston: 41:52

As a leader, leading people, a key thing you get to do is ask yourself leadership questions of yourself before you ever engage with the people who are your direct reports. Right, let's say you have a message you want to convey. Maybe it's a difficult message, I don't know. Something came down from corporate or up above, and you know some people aren't going to like it, and these people are vocal. Oftentimes, when people get like that, the leader if they're not in their leadership, they'll react instead of respond. Right, those feelings will come up, they'll clench their fists or their heart starts racing. They feel like they've got to be right, they got to attack.

Carol Boston: 42:41

No, no, no. Well, what one thing could I say to this person right now? You can ask yourself these questions in your head. There's nothing wrong with pausing in a conversation. Silence can be your friend. What one thing could I say differently in this conversation so that this person feels heard and valued? And you may not get an answer right away, but you might Sometimes. If you would plan out and ask these questions many times, several days in advance, you will walk away from a meeting and go oh my God, I can't believe. I said that. I never thought that before, because you've opened the door to possibilities and I use a lot of other. You know leadership. This is not the only thing I use with my clients, obviously.

Simon Kardynal: 43:33

Carol, we have been having a fantastic conversation talking about the power of empowering questions and why they're important and how we can use them to the most benefit of possible. I'm wondering, though, before we move on to getting me having the ability to ask you some questions, would you mind offering some empowering questions, some actual examples, from both a personal and a professional perspective, that leaders could use going forward?

Carol Boston: 43:59

Absolutely. I want to repeat the two I gave earlier because they're super, super powerful, right. How would the person or you could say, how would the leader I want to become do the thing I'm about to do right now, or perhaps it's what I'm going to do today? Keep that in front of you, like, is the leader you want to become the person who's going to watch Netflix for two hours in the middle of the day? But you might do it, but if you kept this question in front of you ooh, is that who? It's a reminder, right. Who am I being behind closed doors when no one else is watching today? Another way to really check where your focus is in your business and how you're spending your time. You could ask I wanted to give you one with how, as a leader, how can I ensure that I'm being the most effective listener and making my people feel heard and valued today? Great one, that's a great one for preparation for meetings, things like that. What one thing. Oh, here's a good one. What one thought that I'm not thinking about my business, that if I were to think it would radically elevate my results today. Powerful question. You could actually take part of that question and turn it into a relationship question. What one thought that I don't have about my spouse that if I were to adopt, it would allow me to have this relationship blossom today? Right? What one thing that I don't say to my spouse that if I were to say it, they would truly know how much I love them today Really opens the door to possibility.

Carol Boston: 46:00

In your languaging, in your communication, I've been giving you a lot with, with, with what. Who am I being In this relationship? Right, because as a leader, we get to look at our ways of being. So often in America well, especially in America people say how much can I have and what do I got to do to get it. But as a servant leader, we want to come from. Who do I get to be? And I want you to really pay attention to my languaging.

Carol Boston: 46:29

I'm not ever using the word need. I don't need to be a certain way. I don't need to be a certain way. I don't need to have a. I really work with my clients on this. It's a powerful exercise. So it's who do I get to be? My personal contract with myself, and I have it on a big whiteboard in red ink, because I get to remind myself, too, my top three ways of being. If I'm being the leader that I truly want to be. I'm a powerful, courageous, loving leader, and I get to keep that in front of me because you know, there might, something might come alongside me that takes me way out of my comfort zone and I'm not feeling very courageous, right, but I don't want to make decisions based on emotion. So I get to look at uh, that's I am, I'm courageous, that's who I am. I get to step back into my ways of being. Does that make sense?

Simon Kardynal: 47:15

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. It absolutely does. Yeah, thank you very much for that. I'm wondering, before we move into the lightning round and I get to ask you some questions, the way what I've heard with your interpretation of empowering questions is that empowering questions are meant to be builders, not destroyers. Does that make sense?

Carol Boston: 47:35

Absolutely, absolutely. There's nothing punitive, right, because you're coming from a place of curiosity and not judgment. It allows you to take the judgment out of the conversation, and we get to remember that anytime we're judging somebody else, it's not about them, it's about us. I tell my clients and I tell people I speak to all the time other people's opinions and judgments of you are none of your business, because it's not about you, it's about them, right? Their insecurities, their challenges. Maybe they're in a comparison mode and they don't want to look at them, so they're going to put it off on you, but it's not.

Simon Kardynal: 48:12

It's not on you to look at them, so they're going to put it off on you. But it's not. It's not on you. I completely agree with you. Sorry you go, I cut you off.

Carol Boston: 48:20

That's okay. It's just when you ask the questions in these manners. I like the way you phrased it. It's a buildup right. People feel seen, heard and loved. Make me feel important In today's world. It's make me feel important If you're speaking to me, asking me questions in my dominant language. I feel important. If you sat down in front of me and didn't pay attention to that I was highly auditory and you started giving me step by step by step by step by step, I'm going to be bored to tears. You have lost me, just lost me. So you did yourself and you did myself a disservice, because what you have might be something I could really use, but you didn't speak to me in my language. I'm telling you, if I had known this back when I was in corporate America and sales, you and I would not be talking. I would have made a whole lot more money, easier and faster I'd be retired.

Simon Kardynal: 49:12

I tell you, I feel that a lot of us look back at it and say, oh geez, I wish I had known these things back then. And that's actually one of the reasons trench leadership came about was because when I was going through the master's degree and I was learning about different leadership theories and styles outside of the ones the military taught me during my formalized military leadership training, I kept saying to myself, gee, I sure wish I had heard about this back when I was a new leader. Or I sure wish I'd had been exposed to this, not necessarily talking about graduate level training or understanding or education of things, but at least knowing they exist. And that would have opened my eyes to other possibilities. We in this episode we talked a lot about empowering questions, how to make them, why they're important. You offered some examples to vote for. People could use going forward Before we close this out. If people want to engage with you more, have a conversation, talk to you about your services, how might they do that? Oh my goodness.

Carol Boston: 50:05

You can find me on Facebook, linkedin or Instagram the at sign you put at the THE at the Carol Boston. Instagram. The at sign you put at the T H E at the Carol Boston. You can email me um, carol at carolbostoncom, or go to my website, which is wwwcarolbostoncom. Connect with me on Facebook. Private message me. I answer my messages, as you know. Cause you and I private message? Um, yeah, love to love to chat.

Simon Kardynal: 50:31

Well, thank you so much for that. As always, the links will be inside the show notes to allow us to be able to have all those connections that we're looking for. If you have any other questions at all, please feel free to reach out to Carol, because it's obvious that she's reaching out from a place of genuine, authentic love and concern to help other people, and that's just what we're all here to do. Thank you so much for that and thank you, Carol, for your time. I really appreciate it. Thank you for having me Right on. Take care. Well, that's a wrap from the front. In this episode, we spoke with Carol, who talked to us about empowering questions. We talked about how empowering questions open doors to limitless possibilities and how they allow us to come from a place of curiosity, empowering us to create building spaces, not destroy the spaces where we all need to work, live and just enjoy what we're doing. Thanks for tuning in and remember leadership without passion limits the depth of your vision.

Glen: 51:30

Never miss an episode by following us on all of your favorite feeds. While you're there, please consider leaving an episode review and let us know what topics you would like to hear about. Be sure to join us next week with your host, Simon Kardynal, for another episode of Trench Leadership: A Podcast From the Front, produced by iglen studios. Music provided by Ashamaluev Music.